Many deeply conservative right wingers assume “halal” is when Muslims fly model airplanes piloted by adorable jihadi hamsters into the mouths of barnyard animals. While this is not necessarily true, several Muslim groups have denounced the fictional jihadi hamsters stating that Islam is a peaceful religion devoid of children’s toys piloted by adorable, anti-western rodents. Despite the lack of evidence linking hamsters with Islam, several hamsters have been violently beaten by hate groups. Sadly, due to cases of mistaken identity, several squirrels have also suffered the prejudicial sting of such hate mobs. Halal is essentially the Islamic traditional principle of what is permissible and what isn’t (haram). While the term actually applies to a variety of actions, we’re only going to be discussing how it relates to food. Why? Because, I can’t be bothered to read the entire Wikipedia entry. Halal is actually a fairly malleable concept; however, there are specific food items that are explicitly forbidden: Pork Alcohol Blood Any animal that isn’t slaughtered in the name of God unless it’s seafood (drowning a chicken does not make it seafood) So, if you’re a Muslim about to take a bite out of a pork and whiskey sandwich that you’ve in explicably covered in blood, you might want think twice— for several reasons. If halal food isn’t available, a Muslim can always eat Kosher foods. And, as a side note, I should mention that animal rights groups have complained that the method of Halal and Kosher slaughtering causes excessive suffering to the animal. | Many Muslims take the concept of Halal quite seriously and will read the back of food items with all the focus of a child in the middle of a Harry Potter novel. Why? Well, candies that use gelatin may be derived from collagen or other constructed tissues from pigs. The PRM (packet reading Muslims) who discover this information often share their wisdom with fellow Muslims in a condescending, “I’m better than you,” tone. This common occurrence has led PRMs to be referred to as PDTTUBWARYFMs (Please Don’t Talk To Us Because We Always Ruin Your Fun Muslims). Saleem: Whatcha got there? Musa: Oh. These are skittles. Saleem: Oh. Hmmm. *tsk tsk tsk* *shakes head* Yeah. Well, those are actually haram. But you know, if you want to incur the wrath of the creator of the universe and risk an eternity of torturous, personalized damnation, I supposed that’s entirely up to you. Lastly, many have questioned the hypocrisy of Muslims who will gladly do cocaine off the back off a topless hooker through the sunroof of a stolen car, but will refuse if the cocaine in question contains pork. These people lack the Islamic concept of, “common sense,” and are colloquially referred to as, “f***ing morons.” We’ve joked around quite a bit, but I hope you’ve absorbed what I believe is the main lesson of this post. Halal has NOTHING to do with jihadi hamster. |