Bill O’Riley is right!
There is a war on Christmas, and I’m the guy waging it. I hate that I get all the side-perks of Christmas without actually having to participate in the obviously fun religious aspects! That is why I and my group of Gay, Scientific, Muslim, Atheist Super-Communists intend to dismantle the holiday you hold so dearly to your…central cardiac muscle. It begins with the beloved “Frosty.”
There is a war on Christmas, and I’m the guy waging it. I hate that I get all the side-perks of Christmas without actually having to participate in the obviously fun religious aspects! That is why I and my group of Gay, Scientific, Muslim, Atheist Super-Communists intend to dismantle the holiday you hold so dearly to your…central cardiac muscle. It begins with the beloved “Frosty.”
Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found.
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around
Although Frosty is described as a snow “man” there is no evidence, frozen genitals or otherwise, to corroborate this claim. Until a prosthetic ice penis is attached to Frosty’s lower third sphere, he shall hence forth be known as a Frosty the “genderless snow being.”
Secondly, Frosty is described as a jolly, happy “soul,” thus ridiculously implying his existence was the result of a divine creator. Frosty, otherwise known as, “FRTY 00933-22200” to the United States Government, is primarily the result of abiogenesis and advanced biotechnology that aided in his hyper molecule self-replication.
Frosty began to “dance around” when the children placed a hat on his head because they inadvertently stimulated a nerve triggering an involuntary movement disorder known as chorea dyskinesia. While the children likely found Frosty’s dance amusing, from a neurological perspective, he must have been in a great deal of agony. A pain so deep and profound he was unable to vocalize its presence.
Lastly, in a world that is slowly being ravaged by environmental apathy, the use of Frosty’s “coal eyes,” presumably as a form of fuel, is outdated and unnecessary. Rather, Frosty should switch to using an alternative fuel source such as wind, biodiesel or non-fossil methane.
The following edits have been made to “Frosty the Snowman” and will be sung by the children of Richard Dawkins Public School for kids who ruin things too early for other kids.
Secondly, Frosty is described as a jolly, happy “soul,” thus ridiculously implying his existence was the result of a divine creator. Frosty, otherwise known as, “FRTY 00933-22200” to the United States Government, is primarily the result of abiogenesis and advanced biotechnology that aided in his hyper molecule self-replication.
Frosty began to “dance around” when the children placed a hat on his head because they inadvertently stimulated a nerve triggering an involuntary movement disorder known as chorea dyskinesia. While the children likely found Frosty’s dance amusing, from a neurological perspective, he must have been in a great deal of agony. A pain so deep and profound he was unable to vocalize its presence.
Lastly, in a world that is slowly being ravaged by environmental apathy, the use of Frosty’s “coal eyes,” presumably as a form of fuel, is outdated and unnecessary. Rather, Frosty should switch to using an alternative fuel source such as wind, biodiesel or non-fossil methane.
The following edits have been made to “Frosty the Snowman” and will be sung by the children of Richard Dawkins Public School for kids who ruin things too early for other kids.
Frosty the genderless snow being was a jolly happy result of science and technology,
With a corncob pipe filled with medicinal marijuana and a button nose
And two eyes made out of an alternative energy source
Frosty the genderless snow being is a US Government secret, they say,
He was made of advanced biotechnology but the children
naively assume he came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found. There wasn’t, it doesn’t exist.
For when they placed it on his upper most sphere
He began to dance around in profound agony due to a neurological disorder.