Premier of Quebec
Édifice Honoré-Mercier
835, boul. René-Lévesque Est
3e étage
Quebec, Quebec
Canada
G1A 1B4
December 13, 2013
Dear Madame Marois,
I am writing this letter in order to extend my support to your party with respect to your secularization bill that would ultimately establish equality in Quebec. Sadly, many of my less enlightened friends (many of them religious) do not understand the necessity of your proposal. In recent days, however, I myself have begun to ponder the intricacies that passing such legislation would entail. If it is not too much trouble, I would sincerely appreciate your help in clarifying what I feel are a few grey areas.
1. If I choose to flash someone, can I technically be charged with a crime on top of public indecency for “expressing” my religion by being circumcised? I don’t want to brag, but I’ve been told it’s quite the explicit symbol. Boom.
2. If I’m eating the children’s cereal, “Lucky Charms,” in a public building and I accidentally get a crescent moon and star shaped marshmallows in the same spoonful, am I breaking the law? What if I choose not to warship the aforementioned sanctified marshmallow combination? Conversely, if I eat it, am I in some way being Islamaphobic?
3. If a dyslexic person who is also a fan of the Korean soccer team creates a t-shirt that says, “Koran,” are they unwittingly breaking the law? If not, is there not a clear threat of legions of religious people expressing their faith under the guise of “learning difficulties”? In short, how can we be sure dyslexia is not some kind of Muslim conspiracy?
4. At work, if I began to warship a water bottle as my new God, would I personally lose water bottle privileges, or would the staff as well? Could this not cause mass dehydration? What about fountains? Is orange juice ok?
5. If I stood up straight, placed my feet together, and extended my arms so that my body formed a cross, would I technically be considered a religious symbol? If so, would I have to be removed?
6. Yesterday I sneezed and a co-worker said, “Bless you.” I suggest we start a campaign that replaces this blatantly religious phrase with something more secular like, “sneeze acknowledged.”
7. If a Muslim woman uses the provincial flag of Quebec as a Hijab, is she breaking the law, or being extremely patriotic?
8. I’m a great believer in the protestant work ethic; does your new law mean I can now take it easy?
9. If instead of Hijabs Muslim women began wearing secular, non-denominational cloth head wraps, would this solve the problem?
10. Yesterday, through my office window, I saw a cloud that resembled the Star of David. Then, rain started to fall out of the cloud. I know it’s a strange question, but are the people who got wet now in trouble for some reason?
11. Yesterday I saw a man enter a government building and reject an offer of free bacon for religious reasons. His blatant rejection of food I eat made me feel threatened. Is there some kind of hotline I can call?
12. In order to increase freedom of expression, would it not be possible to just build a soccer field in every government building where both the wearing of Paghs and Hijabs are allowed?
13. It seems to me the practical function of the Hijab is for Muslim women to cover their hair. So, if all Muslim women began to wear astronaut helmets instead, would the helmet then constitute a religious symbol? If so, would future Quebec space programs not suffer as a direct result of Islam? Or, would all astronauts hence fourth have to be Muslims? In short, how do we defend ourselves against the possible threat Moon Muslims?
14. Should a doctor or nurse wearing an overt religious symbol be arrested before or after saving someone’s life?
As you can see Madame Marois, the aforementioned points may pose somewhat of a problem with respect to your new legislation. Of course, what I’ve written here was all in good fun and humour. However, on a more serious note, I have created a new poster that I hope your party will adopt. It represents the unity and purity of religious and cultural tolerance as well as the infinite depths of our collective immortal souls.
Hope you enjoy it.
Lots of Love,
Billal